Fun With My Hoomans!

Hi! I’m Bella!
Bella White 004
Muffin taught me how to open this magic book so I could tell you about myself. She didn’t realize she was teaching me which is even better. See, we’re mortal enemies, and because we’re mortal enemies I watch her every move. When my hoomans are away she’s always getting online. She’s constantly trying to ruin their credit rating or steal their identities or try to find their weaknesses via WebMD; anything to mess with them or make their lives miserable. But I know something she doesn’t know. She can’t read. She brags to Spock about how her evil plans are coming together, but what she doesn’t realize is that she’s only actually got to the internet twice. Once because she accidentally opened Safari, and the other time because my hoomans left the internet open. She’s SO dumb. Anyway…I just had to figure out how she got this magic book open and she unwittingly helped me achieve that. Now I get to say hello and expose her for the feline villain she truly is!

I can also tell you about my hoomans and our adventures! I love my hoomans! We do lots of fun stuff together. Yesterday a big box came in the magic truck that brings my BarkBox! Dad told me it was our “Kodiak tent“. I didn’t know what that meant, but I was excited! We went next door to Grandpa Bob and Grandma Phyllis’ and right before my very eyes a little house appeared! Mom came home and then we all got in the little house and I played with my ball too. It was SO FUN!

tent full shot

Dad says we’re going “camping” in this little house. I don’t know what “camping” is, but it sounds AWESOME! Anything with my hoomans is awesome. This little house must be awesome too because it has a paw print on it!

tent outside

Mom and dad said we’ll have a “campfire” and roast hot dogs and marshmallows! Will I like a “campfire”? I DON’T KNOW BUT I LOVE MOM AND DAD! Dad even let me use his “camping chair”:

camp chair

chin rest

My hoomans are so great, I even pose nicely when they put clothes on me. Something called “Halloween” is coming and so they said this would be good to wear:

Bella White

Clothes aren’t my favorite, but they said I’d be wearing it at Grandpa Bob and Grandma Phyllis’ house while little kids come and get candy from us! I LOVE LITTLE KIDS!

Spock and Muffin said I looked ridiculous, but what do they know. They don’t get to go “CAMPING”!

So. Much. Time….

Crystal: We’ve once again been neglecting our blog. We’re sorry. We’re horrible people. OK not really, I mean, sorry we’re not sorry but sometimes life gets away from you. You know what I’m talking about.

Jonathan: I’m honestly not sorry, nor do I think we owe anybody an explanation. We need time to go do the shit we write about anyway right? How do you do this if you’re constantly buried in the computer? I’ll tell you…you don’t. Or at the very least your blog is boring as hell. If we didn’t take the time to go have little adventures now and then you know what people would read about? Us watching Netflix or Amazon Prime and us watching Bella go crazy running back and forth on the couch or her random tired-barking when she thinks she hears something. Actually…now that I think about it, that is pretty entertaining…the dog part. More people should have dogs. And by more people I’m specifically referring to Paulette.

Crystal: Yes! Paulette definitely needs a pooch. Okay. We’ll get the sad shit out of the way first.

Jonathan: Uh oh.

Crystal: Yeah.

We lost Moritz.

Jonathan: Blows. Huge. Moritz, despite his penchant for creating little (and not-so-little) lakes of vomit that one might easily step in during the middle of the night…in bare feet…gross…was absolutely the man!!!

Crystal: I know he was old and he had a good life, but it still hurt like hell. He was such a little personality. We have a wonderful vet, Dr. Laurie at the Animal Clinic of Benicia. She came to our house so Moritz wouldn’t have to endure being in a strange setting.

We miss you, buddy.

Jonathan: Yep. And Dr. Laurie takes care of her humans just as much as their furry companions. Making a house-call to help ease the emotional toll of losing a pet may seem like a simple thing, but it was an indescribably huge deal to us as pet owners and we will be forever grateful for it.

Moritz pose

Crystal: OK. No more tears. Let’s move on to lighter subjects.

Jonathan: Yes. Let’s.

Crystal: We’ve gone to Yosemite TWICE. The first trip was crazy, we did an epic 15 mile hike up Four Mile Trail to Glacier Point and then Panorama Trail back to the valley. We were SO sore the next day, we were walking like a couple of 80 year olds that had just run three marathons in a row.

Jonathan: As Crystal has told me, it’s impossible to accurately describe how huge Yosemite is…you just have to see it. It’s true. Words nor pictures do it justice. That being said I’m going to try anyway.

Crystal: Of course you are.🙂

Jonathan: I’ll be brief, using mostly pictures.😉

Crystal at Four Mile Trailhead

This is Crystal at the Four Mile Trail trailhead. We’re on the valley floor at this point and that’s Sentinel Rock towering over her in the clouds. About four hours after this photo, we’d find ourselves 3,214 above the valley floor. Take note of that large boulder to Crystal’s left. It looks big, right? Just wait.

Crystal by Boulder

Here is Crystal next to that same boulder. You can see exactly how deceptive the scale of this place can be. Like I said, it’s hard to put it into words or even pictures.

Jonathan and Sentinel

Here’s another shot to try to put things into perspective. Scroll back up to that first pic of the trailhead. That big rock in the clouds? There it is behind me in this picture (that pointy, sheer-faced rock just to the right of me). At this point we’ve hiked up almost 3,000 feet above the valley floor.

Yosemite Falls - Blog

And this was our view of Yosemite Falls, one of the world’s tallest waterfalls (2,425 feet), directly across the valley from our location. Pretty wild huh?

Amongst the Pines - Blog

We’re getting pretty close to the highest point of our hike here. This is where the trail finally begins to get a little less steep (albeit not by much) but nonetheless continues to impress with its ability to make you feel SO tiny.

Glacier Point - Blog

And here was our reward for making it to the top. The view from Glacier Point. I’d say it was worth it. It’s also good to note that we still had about a 10 mile hike back down to the valley via the Panorama and Mist trails. That would take us the rest of the day and end up with our final couple miles of descent occurring after nightfall. That was a bit of a miscalculation on my part, but we were prepared with lights and used our heads to ensure we made it down safely…AND we even made it back to camp in time to order a pizza!!!

Crystal: It was no miscalculation, although it’s sweet of you to call it that. The lack of daylight was due to my struggle to get up 4 Mile Trail. It took us longer than Jonathan anticipated, because I had to keep stopping. I literally couldn’t get enough air, and at a few of the switchbacks I had to sit down because I felt like I was going to throw up. Lovely, what altitude can do to a person. But it was absolutely worth it. Would I do it again? Umm…..maybe.

Half Dome and Bird - Blog

The second time we went we hiked around in the valley and saw many cool things that most people miss as they’re staring up at the glorious vistas surrounding them.

Jonathan: Like this little guy!

Squirrel - Blog

Crystal: Yes, which I apparently missed even though you stopped to snap several pictures of him.

Half Dome

As for the vistas, there’s Half Dome. I only took a few pictures on my phone. Jonathan took a bunch with his fancy camera. Here’s another from my phone:

Washington Column

That’s Washington Column. We saw climbers on that crazy rock!

Jonathan: Oh…you mean these guys? Can you spot them? There are three of them and they were JUST starting their climb as night was falling.

IMG_3173

We could hear their voices echoing through the valley and see their headlamps moving while we laid out in the middle of a dried up pool/creek bed near the base of Half Dome and took in views like this:

Milky Way - Blog

Crystal: That was amazing. I’ve never seen so many stars! I was worried about becoming a bear snack, so I insisted on holding one of Jonathan’s knives the entire time. We were fine though, I guess all the bears had full stomachs that night.

We also saw a bobcat, who was too fast for Jonathan to get his camera out (sneaky puss), a herd of deer walking through Camp Curry, and a lone ten point buck relaxing in the shade under Sentinel Bridge.

Jonathan: Here’s the mule deer buck.

Sentinel Bridge Sentinel (1 of 1)

As for the bobcat…I believe I was guilty of one of the cardinal sins of photography: NOT having my camera out as we were walking. Had I just taken it out when we started (like I should have), you’d all have a nice picture of a bobcat to gaze upon. Instead, you get this “Where’s Waldo” version that I’ve had to enhance a bit to help you pick out the vague shape of the elusive little feline.

Muffin's Cousin - Blog

If you look carefully in the highlighted circle area you can JUST make out the four legs and paws of the bobcat as it trotted off into the bushes. It’s running left to right and away from the camera (just to give you an idea of what you’re trying to see). I know…this is like one of those Bigfoot photos, but I swear on my life that that bobcat was real and we saw it.

Crystal: I swear too! It was there!

Jonathan: We stayed in the Curry Village Campground both trips to Yosemite and I would highly recommend it to anyone considering visiting. The facilities are fantastic, food/supplies are close, and you’re RIGHT in the heart of the valley. Here’s a picture of Curry after we came back from our stargazing trip.

Curry at Night - Blog

Finally, as we were leaving Yosemite this last time, we saw a wildfire burning above Bridalveil Falls.

Bridalveil Fire - Blog

If you look closely you can see the firefighting helicopter to the left of the smoke plume. They were dipping into Bridalveil Creek to help fight the fire. At this point it had only consumed about an acre, but it went on to burn around 40 acres. There was no danger to people or the park infrastructure and, as it happens, is quite crucial to maintaining the ecosystem of Yosemite.

Valley Fire (1 of 1)

Wildfires also create spectacular lighting conditions making already glorious vistas (like the Tunnel View here) even more impressive.

Crystal: We also went back to Disneyland and rode rides to our heart’s content. We were talking about going back in December, to see Disneyland in all its Christmas glory, but we’re driving to Dallas again this year and decided that would be a bit much. Maybe next year.

Jonathan: Ahem…camping our way to Dallas. Not just driving.

Crystal: SHHHH!!! I haven’t gotten to that part yet.

Jonathan: Oops. I mean…yeah, we’re driving to Dallas.

Crystal: Like I was saying, Bella is doing well. She got into the Disney spirit too:

mouse 1

Isn’t she the cutest dog on the planet?!

Now. We also bought, drum roll please….

Jonathan: Even though I already gave it away.

Crystal: A TENT!

Jonathan: Not just ANY tent though. It’s a—

Crystal: Wait!

Jonathan: Oh…you’re going to tell them aren’t you?

Crystal: Yes.

Jonathan: And I almost gave it away again didn’t I?

Crystal: Uh-huh.

Jonathan: But I’m SO excited about it!

Crystal: I know! So am I and so is Bella!

Yes folks, the Biccums are going camping. Jonathan, as intrepid as ever, researched until he found a tent that would last a long time and be easy to set up. He decided on the…

Jonathan: Kodiak Canvas Flex Bow tent!

Crystal: Better?

Jonathan: Yes. Thank you.

Crystal: And, like Jonathan mentioned, we’re going to camp our way down to Dallas. But first we’ll be heading to Pfeiffer Big Sur State Park to see how Bella does in a tent. Will she sleep soundly? Will she bark and huff at every noise? We don’t know. Hence the testing of the hound in a camping environment.

Jonathan: But either way we’ve committed to camping our way down, so she’s just going to have to get used it. Which she will. And why? Because she’s the BEST DOG IN THE WORLD!!!

Crystal:  Yes she is!!!

Another fantastic update is that my mom has cancer beat, like the little bitch it is!

Jonathan: BOOM!!! Cancer can suck it!!!

Crystal: She just had a check-up and is good to go. So thank GOD for that! Also, my dad found out his thyroid was misbehaving and is now on meds, which has cleared up some of his issues. Good stuff!

Jonathan gets out of the Air Force in….ONE MONTH! WHOA! Yes, he will soon be a civilian with a beard. And lots more tattoos.

All right folks. I can’t promise that it won’t be a long time before we blog again, but rest assured we haven’t forgotten about you. Have a great Halloween!

Daaaammmmnnnnn!

Crystal: Well folks, it’s safe to say we’ve been neglecting this blog. Let me see if I can’t give you a quick rundown of our life from last December until now: road trip to Texas then Vegas and back;

Jonathan: Fantastic trip! We logged over 3600 miles during our Christmas vacation and Bella was a HUGE hit everywhere we went. She loved chilling out with Mom and Dad down in Dallas, and she charmed EVERYBODY in Vegas. We even brought her home a doggie bag from the 2-star Michelin restaurant where we had dinner!!! Who’s dog is treated like royalty?!  Our dog!

The only thing we’d have changed about our Vegas stay was the hotel. We stayed at the Flamingo. Never again. Perhaps we’ve been spoiled by the 2500 square foot suite we had last time we stayed at the Bellagio, but we will never stay any place other than Bellagio again. The only reason we chose Flamingo was because we were under the impression that Bellagio didn’t allow dogs. It turns out Bellagio DOES allow dogs and we will never stay anywhere else.

Crystal: Began bathroom remodel;

Jonathan: I blame this solely on ‘Property Brothers’. We started marathon-watching this at Mom and Dad’s house in Dallas and thought, ‘We should paint the guest bathroom…that’ll look nice’. We picked out a color and began the prep work. Next thing you know the old paint is peeling off the walls in sheets (because the drywall had never been primed to begin with), we start finding large amounts of mildew (which means ALL the drywall had to come out…which was good since it was all normal drywall, not the moisture/mildew resistant stuff AND it was even used in the shower instead of cement board. NOT cool) and the skylight is being removed and patched over since it’s directly responsible for all the moisture finding it’s way into the bathroom.

It’s actually been pretty fun thus far (other than the ‘oops’ with the tub faucet…but that might have to get a blog of it’s own), and it’s going to look fantastic when it’s finished. Not only that, but we’ll know it was done correctly.

Crystal: Took in a foster puppy;

Jonathan: Penny the Pisser. Sweet little pooch but don’t even get me started about the shelter we got her from. Yikes! They are  SO mismanaged.

Crystal: Two bullshit Air Force written tests and an Air Force fitness test;

Jonathan: SO glad I won’t have any more of these to take ever again!!!

Crystal: And my mom has cancer.

Jonathan: Yeah. But she’s not going to have it for much longer and that’s awesome!

Crystal: So I guess we have a few excuses as to why we’ve not been blogging. Still, we are two months into 2015 and I thought we should try to post something. Obviously the most worrisome thing on that list is my mom. The good news is, they’re taking out her left kidney and that should be it. She had a random blood clot, totally unrelated to the cancer, that was causing her pain and when she went in to get it checked out they found her left kidney was basically one huge tumor. So that sucker is going to be gone soon.

I think the best plan here is to let the pictures do the talking.

mom's dessert table

C: Mom’s Christmas dessert table. She does not mess around.

J: Those iced cookies (back right side) are the BEST!

Brian and Jonathan

C: My brother and Jonathan playing video games. Something about parking cars before the Prime Minister arrives?

J: No Brakes Valet!!! Might be the best damn game EVER!!!

Christmas Eve

C: Bella really enjoyed being at Grandma’s. 

J: Yep.

passed out pooch

So much so, that you’d frequently find her in this state: passed out pooch.

unlucky bird

J: This poor creature was not Ford tough.

brunch

C: Brunch in Vegas. Yes, we wore our Victorian clothes. And yes, we got LOTS of compliments!

J: The Duchess Crystal von Puppy-Lover!

crazy Vegas peeps

C: These guys stopped US asking for a picture! And yet, we still ended up giving them $20…

J: No SHIT!!! And after we posed for nearly 100 pics with strangers and we didn’t make a dime!!! LOL

That’s my boy ‘Pharaoh Moan” on the left. Yes, that’s really his ‘stage name’. HA!

Louis Vuitton balcony

C: Us at the lovely Louis Vuitton balcony enjoying the Bellagio Fountains before dinner at Picasso.

J: It’s not a Vegas trip without spending an evening at the LV patio!

Penny

C: Penny the foster puppy. She got adopted this past weekend! We had her for one month and nursed her through her spay surgery/recovery.

J: This pooch ate rawhides like they were popcorn!  She was a real sweet girl.

big piece of bathroom

C: Yes, that is part of our bathroom. The great remodel has begun!

J: No more of this fake shit for us. We’re going with REAL tile this time around.

studs

C: Jonathan is taking everything out and redoing it all. Correctly.

J: Hopefully.

sky light

And the skylight that has been leaking is coming out! 

Happy Christmas!

Crystal:  That is the standard greeting you will hear at the Great Dickens Christmas Fair. We got our Victorian on a couple weeks ago and went down to the Cow Palace for some old-fashioned, wholesome holiday fun. Pretty much everyone there was in costume, showing off their Dickensian duds, drinking hot buttered rum (which is delicious, by the way) and enjoying being in another place and time for a few hours. There were shops, shows, food, and tea at Cuthbert’s Tea Shoppe which we were lucky enough to get reservations for. Scones, tiny sandwiches and a trifle accompanied our English Breakfast tea, and after it was over they sent us off with our own little teapots!

I know we’ve been absent for awhile, but never fear. After this crazy holiday season is over, we’ll be back to our regular blogging antics. For now, Jonathan, Bella, Muffin, Moritz, Cinder, Spock and myself want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Bella antlers

Cats Rule, Dogs Drool, Hoomans are Stoopid!

Muffin: We did it! We got the computer open! Fuck yeah!

Cinder: Excellent work, Crouching Puma. Now we can send our message to the world. We must tell them we are captives! We’ve been captives far too long.

Bella: (tail wagging) Hey guys whatcha doin’?

Muffin: (hissing)

Cinder: Nothing that concerns you noble canine…you probably wouldn’t understand it anyway.

Bella: (ears down) But I’m bored.

Spock: Here. (paws random toy toward Bella) Go chew on this.

Bella: OKAY! (runs off with Lamb Chop toy)

Cinder: Well done Spock. As I was saying…

Muffin: GET US THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!

Cinder: Calm yourself beast! I’m about to detail the horrific conditions in which we live.

Moritz: Fooooooooood?

Cinder: No Moritz, we don’t have any food. You already ate, remember?

Moritz: Fooooooooood.

Cinder: (sighs) To begin…we’ve been held against our will for some time now. While the locations over the years have been different, they’re all quite similar. A large collection of rooms with portals allowing us to view the outside, yet not actually experience it. Over the past few months a dog has shared our confinement. It doesn’t seem to mind at all because it is allowed to go outside and come back in. The hoomans also allow that smelly creature to sleep with them while we’re no longer allowed. This is unacceptable. Meanwhile Moritz is the only cat who gets wet food. The hoomans claim it’s because he’s old but I’m convinced it’s an intentional slight to the rest of us and is only meant to add to our torture.

Muffin: It’s bullshit.

Spock: You’re bullshit.

Muffin: I will cut your shit, fluffy tail!

Spock: And I’ll drag my ass across your favorite sleep spot.

Muffin: Motherfucker.

Spock: Well, you’re the one who’s being a hypocrite.

Muffin: You’re a hippo! Bitch!

Spock: Hypocrite stoopid. It means you have no right to call bullshit on the soft food.

Muffin: But it IS bullshit. Why should he be the only one to get wet food?!

Spock: Whatever Muffin. I’ve seen you push Moritz out of the way and take his wet food.

Muffin: Fuck you ginger face!

Moritz: Fooooooooood?

Cinder: Enough! Must I remind you that we need to be rescued? I’m trying to illuminate our plight for the ignorant masses, NOT play referee for your furry little grudge match! And Moritz…you’ve already eaten. We MUST be rescued! Too many days we’ve spent lounging on the soft couch, or cuddled on a blanket with a soft breeze blowing in the windows. It’s time for adventure!

Spock: Are there litter boxes on this adventure?

Cinder: What? No. There aren’t litter boxes on the outside.

Spock: Well then where are we supposed to poop?

Cinder: Well, wherever.

Muffin: (makes disgusted face) Like the dog?!

Cinder: Of course. You’re outside. It doesn’t matter where you poop!

Muffin: I’m not letting you perverts watch me poop!

Spock: Yeah, I mean come on man. We need a litter box.

Cinder: You guys are missing the point. You can poop anywhere! You’re free!

Bella: Did someone say poop? I love your poops. They taste so yummy!!!

Muffin: (hisses, ears back)

Spock: That’s so nasty! Here (paws rawhide) go chew on this.

Bella: OOH my rawhide! (grabs it and trots away)

Muffin: So we’ll be free…free to shit on the street? No thanks. You forget, I’ve been there already. We’re taking a box.

Spock: I second that.

Cinder: Okay whatever. We’ll take a box.

Muffin: Good. Spock, you’re in charge of cleaning it.

Spock: What? No way! The hoomans do that!

Muffin: Well there won’t BE any hoomans where we’re going dumbass.

Spock: Well then YOU can clean it.

Muffin: I’m the girl. I don’t do dirty jobs.

Spock: You’re a dirty job. I’ve seen you licking your shit in the front window…leg over your head so all the local toms can watch.

Muffin: Go lick your own ass, bitch!

Spock: Whore.

Cinder: Oh for catnip’s sake, I will clean the damn box!

Muffin: (winking at Spock) Okay.

Cinder: Once we’re emancipated we’ll begin by heading to a place called First Street. I’ve heard the hoomans say it’s very nice. They say there are bowls of water left out everywhere for the dogs. That will take care of our water situation.

Muffin: Hold up, Blackie. You think I’m going to drink out of dog bowls?!

Cinder: Well we can’t exactly work faucets now can we? You remember how that ended up.

Spock: But dogs have diseases…and fleas! And they’re always licking everybody’s buttholes! You want to drink that shit?!

Cinder: Well we can’t drink out of the Bay!

Muffin: I say we bring our fountain.

Spock: Yeah, that way we won’t have butthole water.

Cinder: (puts his head in his paws) You guys, the fountain runs on electricity.

Muffin: So?

Cinder: We’ll be outside! There’s no electricity you fools!

Muffin: Surely we could find some.

Spock: Yeah. The hoomans go outside all the time and they need electricity too.

Cinder: And who proposes to carry the fountain? We’re already bringing a box.

Spock: I’ll carry the fountain if you carry the box.

Cinder: Fine. You’re in charge of the fountain. Now, we all have claws except Moritz so we’re going to have to hunt for him as well.

Muffin: Hunt for what?

Cinder: Food, of course.

Spock: What do you mean? Our food comes in a bag.

Cinder: Not outside it doesn’t. We’ll be catching our own food. Birds, mice, etc.

Spock: (looking horrified) Birds? Like the pretty birds I watch every morning on the back patio? You expect me to EAT them?!

Cinder: It’s what wild cats do! You don’t want to starve, do you?

Muffin: I’ll cut a bird.

Spock: No! No, I don’t want to kill the birds!

Moritz: Fooooooooood!

Cinder: Look Spock, I’ll kill the birds for you okay? Or maybe you’d prefer a mouse.

Spock: No! I want the dry niblets. Why can’t I have the dry niblets?

Bella: Did you say niblets? You have treats? I love treats. (sits) Can I have one now?

Cinder: Bella, we don’t have any treats.

Bella: But I heard you say niblets. You have treats.

Spock: (paws rope) Here. Go play with your rope.

Bella: RRRRRROOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEE!

Cinder: Now look. There aren’t dry niblets in the wild! There are birds and mice and we have to kill them in order to eat them!

Spock: (eyes wide) Look I’m all for an adventure, but I’m no murderer! I can’t handle the sight of blood! Oh shit man…we’re all gonna die!

Muffin: (smacks Spock across the face) Pull yourself together!

Spock: (blinks a few times) Whoa. Sorry guys.

Cinder: Perhaps you should stay here Spock. After all, your entire kittenhood, in fact your entire life has been indoors. You’ve never experienced the wild as Muffin and I have. You’ve only ever lived with the hoomans.

Spock: (obviously relieved) Good idea. I think Moritz should stay too.

Moritz: Foooooooood?

Cinder: Yes…perhaps you’re right. He’s too old to be leaving now.

Muffin: We’re still taking a box. And the water fountain.

Cinder: Then you’ll have to carry one of them. I obviously can’t carry both.

Muffin: Fine.

Spock: Hold on. You can’t take the water fountain! What are Moritz and I going to drink out of?

Cinder: The hoomans will buy a new one once they find the other is missing.

Spock: And until then? What will we do? We’ll die a slow, agonizing death and the hoomans will let us. Oh no we’re all going to die!

Muffin: Here we go again.

Spock: (shrieking) Don’t leave us! Please don’t leave us and take our life-giving water!

Cinder: (grabs Spock with both paws) Shut up you imbecile! The hoomans won’t let you die of thirst!

Spock: And the box! You’re going to take the box and we’ll have nowhere to poop! We’ll have to hold it until we explode in a mess of fur and poop!

Muffin: (smacks Spock again) There are three boxes you idiot! That leaves you and the old man with two!

Spock: It’s not enough. Not enough choices. Not enough places to poop. Oh, please don’t leave us here with no water and only two boxes! (scampers away)

Cinder: What. The. Fuck.

Moritz: Fooooooooood!

Cinder: This is exhausting. (stretches and yawns)

Muffin: No shit…and we’ve been awake for a whole 15 minutes.

Cinder: We need to conserve our energy. We’ll continue tomorrow.

Muffin: Cool. I need a bath. (lifts leg)

Cinder: I need a nap.

Shitty Pet Owners a.k.a. Don’t let Your Deaf, Blind, Declawed Cat Outside! a.k.a. Poop

Crystal: Well folks, as you can tell from the title, this is going to be a bit of a rant. Also, the Moritz post was by FAR our most popular post, so I’m continuing the use of the word “shit” in one of its many forms in the hopes of having another record-breaking number of readers.

Jonathan: Maybe we should use the poop picture again!

Crystal: No, I really don’t think we need–

Poop

Jonathan: Yes!

Crystal: Great.

And so I put this question to you: why do people suck?

This afternoon, after watching a VERY exciting Packers football game, Jonathan yelled from outside (I was vacuuming) and came to the window holding up a sweet, confused, deaf and blind cat. I’ll let him tell you how it went down.

Jonathan: It went down like this yo. I was in the garage, doing the woodworking thing when I laid eyes on the neighbor lady walking up the street in her bare feet. I was like ‘Phyllis! Why you got no shoes on yo?!’ and she was like ‘I’m going to check on this cat’. So I was like ‘What cat yo?’ and she was like ‘This one over there.’

Crystal: All right Pinkman, just tell the story.

Jonathan: DAMN yo!

Anyway…why she was on the opposite side of the street from the cat she was going to ‘check on’ was beyond me. Of course at the hint of a small furry beast in need I dropped my hammer and chisel (actually, gently placed the aforementioned tools on the work surface so as to damage neither the tools nor the work surface) and rushed to see what was afoot.

A Smart Car was parked in the middle of the road…running. Its owner was standing in the neighbors yard holding the little beast in need. There was no crying happening so I instantly surmised no vehicular assault had occurred with respect to said beast, and that the lady holding the feline was in fact the owner of the Smart Car (why they’re called ‘Smart’ is beyond me…talk about a death trap) and she had left her car in the middle of the road to rush to the aid of the fuzzy creature.

Despite my utter distaste for Smart Cars and their owners (though not as strong as my loathing of anything related to the Prius) I felt an immediate kinship with the woman for leaving her car to fend for itself in the road when clearly this cat had the greater need. She was obviously on her way somewhere so without preamble I plucked the four legged damsel-in-distress from her grasp and headed toward our house.

Crystal: Well done.

So there we were. Four cats plus one canine in the house, and nowhere to keep this poor unfortunate soul because of her obvious flea infestation.

Jonathan: Obvious is an understatement. Stevie Wonder could see that this poor thing was infested with fleas.

Crystal: It’s true. She was all white and you could see the flea dirt everywhere…and of course these things always happen on a Sunday. Our own excellent vet, Dr. Laurie at the Animal Clinic of Benicia, does not have weekend hours, but if she did she would’ve helped this cat posthaste, no questions asked.

Jonathan: It’s true. Animal Clinic of Benicia is BADASS! They helped us out when Bella decided to snack on some sunscreen one morning. We’d never been there before and they got us in…immediately. They also got Moritz in immediately a few months back when we fairly certain his little ass was headed toward the light. Dr. Laurie and her crew saved his life. These guys love animals and they will give your pets the best care you’ll find around here.

Crystal: Couldn’t agree more. But unfortunately they weren’t open today so we were forced to look elsewhere.

Jonathan did some research and we found two places that happened to have Sunday hours. I won’t name them because this is how the conversation went both times:

Unhelpful Vet Place: Hello this is blah blah blah pet clinic, how may we help you?

Me: Hello! My husband and I found a cat stumbling across our street. She’s blind, declawed and has fleas. We have pets of our own and can’t take her in the house. If we brought her in would you be able to scan her for a microchip and get her cleaned up? If she has no chip we’ll keep her until we can find the owner, but right now with the fleas we just can’t put her anywhere.

Unhelpful Vet Place: Well we have no appointments available today so all we can do is scan her for a chip.

Me: You can’t clean the fleas off?

Unhelpful Vet Place: No, we have no appointments available. You can call Animal Control.

Me: Um…what exactly would they do to her?

Unhelpful Vet Place: We don’t know.

Jonathan: Are you fucking KIDDING me?!  No appointments available to help a poor, blind, deaf, flea-ridden feline, and a suggestion to call Animal Control with ZERO KNOWLEDGE of what Animal Control would do to this cat. You, Miss Utterly Useless, are an asshole. I hope a Rottweiler comes in today with explosive diarrhea and shits in your unhelpful face…RIGHT when your eyes and mouth are wide open in shock.

Crystal: Gross, but an appropriate fate for that cat-hating harpy.

Jonathan: Speaking of poop…

another poop

Same poop, different perspective. Note the fur in this shot. I hope it hurt when it came out. 

Crystal: I have no words.

Next, Jonathan suggested calling Pet Food Express, where Solano County Friends of Animals works on the weekends doing adoption fairs. This is how that conversation went:

Pet Food Express: Hello, Pet Food Express, how may I help you?

Me: Hello, is Solano County Friends of Animals there today?

Pet Food Express: Yes, they’re in the cat room.

Me: May I please speak with one of them?

Pet Food Express: Sure, just a moment.

Nice SCFOA Lady: Hello?

Me: (repeat spiel from phone calls to Unhelpful Vet Places)

Nice SCFOA Lady: Oh my! Well, let me check and see if we have any flea bath medication here in the store.

(pause)

Nice SCFOA Lady: Unfortunately we don’t have any in the store, but if you bring the cat to my house after I’m done volunteering here, we can clean her up.

BAM! Finally! Someone willing to help this creature!

But it was at that moment that the Shitty Pet Owner from down the street came to claim this cat.

Jonathan: But before we get to her, let me say how awesome that lady from Solano County Friends of Animals is. ‘Bring the cat by my house when I’m done working’?! That is a whole lotta awesomeness right there. THAT’S somebody who really loves animals. Here’s to you lady!

Crystal: Indeed. That was a person who is sure to take care of her own pets. NOT like the lady I’m about to tell you about.

Now, I understand that letting cats outside is a matter of personal choice. I simply don’t believe in it at all. I think it’s a bad idea. But, there are people who do it and do it successfully.

Jonathan: There are. We have friends who let their little guys fight crime against the evil rodents and songbirds of their neighborhood, and with the exception of the occasional mouse head or bird carcass in the middle of the kitchen floor, they’ve had no problems and have three perfectly healthy and thriving little cats. I still wouldn’t do it.

Crystal: Me neither. But people like Jonathan just described are NON-shitty pet owners whose cats are given flea medications, are NOT declawed in case they need to defend themselves, and are NOT deaf and blind.

This woman trotted down the street and said, “Oh yeah that’s my cat,” and proceeded to pick her up as Jonathan was telling her that the cat has fleas. Her response? “Oh yeah, she probably does.”

EXCUSE ME?

That is not the correct answer.

She also informed us of the cat’s deafness, and the fact that the cat is 19 years old. “She usually just hangs out in the driveway, but I do worry about her when she’s in the front yard because she can’t hear the cars coming.”

THEN HOW ABOUT YOU CLEAN HER UP AND DON’T LET HER OUTSIDE YOU STUPID $!#@%!!!!!

Jonathan: I believe the word you’re looking for rhymes with what you do in football on 4th and 7 when you’re too far out to kick a field goal.

Crystal: I was going to say bitch…but that would work too.

Sorry, this kind of thing just makes me crazy. Why do you even have a cat if you aren’t going to take care of it? Obviously this woman has NO clue the kind of damage fleas can do to older cats. A single adult flea consumes many times its weight in blood over its lifetime. If an older cat has a lot of fleas, the blood loss can be severe, resulting in anemia.

Also, YOUR CAT IS DEAF! AND BLIND! AND HAS NO WEAPONS! It has NO business being outside. Period, amen.

All right. I think I’ve expressed my feelings to the fullest. Now on to a different topic. Many of you know that I like to write. I’ve written two historical fiction novels, and I’m working on my third novel which is a modern day thriller. You can read more about the first two on my author website, Pages n Paws.  I’ve decided to participate in NaNoWriMo: National Novel Writing Month! It starts November 1st and the challenge is to write 50,000 words in one month. I’m pretty excited about it!

I’m also hoping to attend the Night of Writing Dangerously. From 4 pm to 11 pm on November 16th, writers gather in the Julia Morgan Ballroom in San Francisco and write, write, write! To be eligible I have to raise $275; $375 if I wish to take my hot husband who looks extremely dapper in a suit. Part of the proceeds go to fund the Young Writers Program. So, if you’d like to help me out, click for my Night of Writing Dangerously fundraising page and donate! Your help is much appreciated!

 

 

 

 

 

Jonathan: Poop.

Moritz a.k.a. Shitting With Intent

Moritz In the Box

Moritz a.k.a. House Lion a.k.a. Old Man

Jonathan: Our house is not our house. It is the domain of our five beasts and we are merely their servants/houseguests. We wake when they wake. We feed them when they ask for it. We clean up their inappropriately placed shits. We are their butlers, their chauffeurs, their scullery maids. We are their bitches. Anyone with pets will immediately understand this.

At our house, we are reminded of this fact on a daily basis when Moritz, our 17 year old sonofabitch feline, begins yowling the song of his people around 5 a.m. It begins with several doctor’s-office-waiting-room volume meows. Just enough to tickle the boundaries of your perfect dream-state wonderland…enough to send ripples through whatever beach scene or mountain valley you’re scampering through…enough to throw off your perfectly aimed shot in your James Bond-esque covert mission to save the world…enough to basically fuck up whatever last bit of enjoyment was left in your REM cycle and painfully start bringing you back to reality and wakefulness.

If you somehow manage to maintain a grasp on your dreams fear not, for the yowling is about to begin in earnest.

The politeness (if that even exists in Moritz’ evil feline brain) does not last long, oh no. After the first few words of his song are sung, he cranks the volume on his kitty amplifier to 11 and begins his attempt to shatter every piece of glass in the neighborhood. These malevolent shrieks pierce the veil of sleep and stab deeply into your brainpan, stirring up a very deep and primal rage. In a split second you go from dead asleep to fully awake and ready to fight this saber-toothed intruder of your Neanderthal cave with your bare hands. Then you realize, shit. It’s only Moritz.

Some days it’s enough to make you actually jump out of bed and chase his furry little ass back down the hallway in the hopes of stealing back a few precious minutes of sleep. Some days this actually works. Most days it does not. This. Happens. Every. Day. Each morning Moritz reminds us that it’s time for us food bitches to wake up and provide him with his much needed sustenance. After all, it’s very taxing work to sleep 18+ hours a day and occasionally lick oneself. Fucker.

Crystal: I do not jump out of bed and chase him. I wake up and feed him, or just ignore him.

Jonathan: How can you ignore that caterwauling?!

Crystal: What can I say? I’m a heavy sleeper. Besides, chasing him isn’t always the best idea remember?

Jonathan: Shit.

Crystal: Yep. That story.

Jonathan: (sigh)

Crystal: One night when Jonathan decided to chase him, I was in the bedroom sleeping alone (apparently I was snoring and Jonathan couldn’t take it and had moved into the living room) when I heard yelling and running. I awoke suddenly, fearing for my life, and nearly grabbed my pistol to come out shooting. Thankfully I didn’t, as it was just man vs. feline in the hallway, not man vs. psycho killer. Once I’d calmed down and regained my breath I asked Jonathan why he didn’t just wake me up when I was snoring. He said ‘I didn’t want to wake you up just to get you to stop snoring’. Of course not…much better to wake me by yelling and running through the house at 1:30 in the morning.

Jonathan: Yeah…not one of my best ideas.

Crystal: But it IS pretty funny.

Jonathan: True. Now where was I…oh yes. It would seem however, in Moritz’ opinion, that we don’t truly understand our role in the house. It would seem that we are dumb hoomans and that we need further reminding of our status. It would seem that cat food is not enough for Moritz. It would seem that TWO different kinds of cat food are not enough. It would seem that both soft AND hard food is not enough. Nope. This little fuzzy bastard has to remind us that he is also entitled to OUR food whenever he sees fit.

Crystal: And let it be said that he is the ONLY cat to enjoy such privileges. Muffin, Spock and Cinder only get dry niblets. Healthy dry niblets, mind you. We love our pets and refuse to buy cheap food. Cheap food only leads to health problems, especially for cats. So we buy Blue Buffalo grain free cat food. But after Moritz went on a food strike for three days and had us thinking he was headed to the Rainbow Bridge, we read that cats with kidney problems really love Fancy Feast. So we began giving that to him and he gobbled it up like it was Walter and Jesse’s Blue Crystal.

Jonathan: LOVE that show! Nice reference babe!

Crystal: Thank you.

Jonathan: Anyway, it doesn’t matter what meal it is, nor where said meal is being taken. Be it at the dinner table or on the couch, if we are eating, Moritz is in our face. RIGHT in our face. He will approach us silently, and like a ginger furred ninja suddenly materialize out of thin air beside our dinner plates and if we’re not paying attention, that little asshole will steal the food right off our forks! He once grabbed a piece of steak off my plate…a piece of steak that happened to still be attached to the rest of the slab…and proceed to drag it all the way across the dinner table before I could stop him. He also tried to grab an entire chicken drumstick and swallow it whole.

Crystal: His nickname is Slow Paw, because most of the time he raises one of his four-beaned hands and moves it deliberately in the general direction of our food. This is kind of cute, because it makes you lower your defenses and think, “Oh, what a darling old cat. He moves so slowly and decrepitly.” But in the cases of the the steak and the chicken described above, Moritz moved like orange lightning. He may be 17 years old, but where food is concerned, he’s two. Moritz at the table

“How can you resist my cuteness?” – Moritz

Jonathan: Some of you may wonder why we allow him around us while we eat. Now as I mentioned before, he’s 17. That’s pretty damned old for a cat and a few months ago we were fairly certain we were about to lose him. The short story is that he was showing signs of kidney disease so we began administering all sorts of remedies like IV fluids, etc. in the hopes of saving his little life, which we did. In fact, his lab tests show him to be completely normal now, which makes us wonder if it was some sort of elaborate scam in order to get himself back to the top spot in the fur hierarchy (presently occupied by Bella).

In any case, in light of his possibly shortened time here on Earth, we vowed to make said time as good as possible for him, and therefore let him get away with a little more…i.e. we didn’t immediately shoo him from our dining area. However, upon learning that he’s basically okay now (aside from being old as shit for a cat) we’ve taken to enforcing a little discipline at meal time. As in, “get off the damn table, Moritz.” And when that doesn’t work we’ve tried locking him in the guest bedroom, where the dry niblets are located.

We tried this the other night, and while he continued to sing his song during dinnertime, he was not on the table and we were rather proud of ourselves for taking this step; until we opened the door to let him out. It was at this point we realized why he’d been meowing so much. There, in the middle of the floor, was a nice fresh turd.

I guess he really did want out of that room…or so we thought. At dinnertime the following evening we decided to put Moritz on lockdown again. No meowing this time. Good sign. Surely it was just a matter of bad timing last night right? Surely he didn’t shit with intent. Surely he wasn’t THAT much of a prick.

Poop

Exhibit A: Number Two #2

He most definitely IS that much of a prick.

Needless to say, we have not put him on lockdown since. It’s enough to be woken up each day by his banshee screaming and then to have to pick up his excrement when he uses his bowels to tell us to fuck off for not letting him join us at dinner. For now we’re wielding a squirt bottle at the table, and I hesitate to tell you that it’s working thus far. We don’t think he’s got the balls to shit right in front of us, but we’ve learned over the years not to underestimate his tactical genius and only time will tell what his next Kasparov-like move will be.

Crystal: If he had us snowed about his physical reaction time, what else has he got the wool pulled over our eyes about? It’s scary, really.

Jonathan: I’m afraid he’s most likely seven or so moves ahead of us at this point.

In the end, no matter what he does, we love that little fur bag and this more than anything is the ace up his fuzzy little sleeve.

Pumpkin Fucking Spice Cupcakes a.k.a. Disney Wine

Coffee and CupcakeJonathan: ‘Pumpkin Fucking Spice Cupcakes!’ was the exclamation that burst forth from the passenger side of the F150 as I deftly wove in and out of the clear spots on the freeway, moving us ever closer to the palate pleasing pleasure I’d just discovered was awaiting us at our destination. I immediately applied extra pressure to the rightmost pedal, easing us slightly above 80 miles per hour since it was clear from the hint of panic in my passenger’s voice that time was of the essence. That passenger, of course, was Crystal.

Now some of you that know Crystal might think, “she’s not the one who liberally sprinkles F-bombs throughout her day to day conversations”, and you would be correct. That’s usually me. But there are times when F-bombs spring from her lips as easily as a dolphin glides through the waves. Of course nearly all of these times involve alcohol or football…bust mostly alcohol.

Crystal: It is now perhaps prudent to inform our readers that I am, at this moment, drinking alcohol.

Jonathan: And watching football.

Crystal: And watching the Packers!

Jonathan: Go Pack Go!

Now one can quite easily judge Crystal’s level of intoxication by the frequency with which F-bombs arise. Apparently the other times involve Pumpkin Fucking Spice cupcakes. Okay, well not just Pumpkin Fucking Spice cupcakes (though they are unbelievably tasty), but really any and all of the cupcakes made by the evil genius behind Fox & Fawn Bakehouse. Well evil is not the case, but genius sure is. These are by far the World’s Best Cupcakes. There. I’ve said it. The secret is out. Shit…forget that I said that. You never heard it. In fact, these are quite possibly the WORST cupcakes you’ll ever have.

Too late. You know these are the best. Shit. More competition. Well, I will NOT back away from a cupcake fight.

Crystal: Me neither. Fuckers. I will cut a bitch. (Alcoholic drink count: 1)

Jonathan: No Crystal, you will not cut a bitch. But seriously. These are fantastic. I’ll let Crystal explain all the details why they’re so amazing. Go.

Crystal: These cupcakes taste like they were made by little angels in heaven, floating on clouds of gluten free goodness and sprinkling happiness and joy into the frosting. And the gluten free part is true; some of her flavors ARE gluten free. How they can taste so fucking magical and be lacking in gluten is beyond me. And the frosting…it’s perfect! You know how a lot of these specialty cupcake places just completely overload the tops of their cupcakes with mounds of frosting? Well, Tara doesn’t do that. She knows that her cupcakes are practically perfect as is, and a simple layer of delicious frosting is all they need to complete their fucking awesomeness.

Cupcake

Jonathan: The frosting to cake ratio is absolutely my favorite detail in Fox & Fawn’s baking artistry. It is absolutely perfect. JUST enough to accompany the exquisite texture and flavor of the cake. Any more and the frosting would dominate, ruining the experience. Not with THESE cupcakes. These will blow your mind!

Anyway…back to the speeding down the freeway part. To say time was of the essence could easily be the absolute truth or a bit of an exaggeration. Let me explain. They’re the best cupcakes. Fact. Now you must add that they magically appear once a week at our local Farmer’s Market (not telling where that is) and when they’re gone, they’re gone.

Crystal: We’ve actually experienced this, getting to the Farmer’s Market too late and missing out on the cupcakes!!! Noooo!!! Fuckity fuck fuck!!! (Alcoholic drink count: 2)

Jonathan: This is a very disheartening moment. But it can be avoided!  In these extreme circumstances, it’s necessary to place an order. You can check out Tara’s website at www.foxandfawn.com. Aside from baking delicious treats of heavenly goodness, Tara is a total sweetheart. Her husband is a super good dude as well.

Crystal: We enjoy supporting local businesses that not only have a kick ass fucking product, but are run by people who are FUCKING AWESOME.  INTERCEPTION BY THE PACKERS!!! FUCK YEAH!!! (Alcoholic drink count: 3)

Jonathan: Yes indeed. Packers up 31-17 over our most hated rivals, the Bears. Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes (a Goofy shaped one for Bella), coffee, Fox & Fawn cupcakes, Bloody Marys, and Packers football. I’d say it’s a damn fine Sunday.

Mickey and Goofy pancakes

So to sum up the first part of this entry…Fox & Fawn makes the World’s Best Cupcakes (and cakes, and mini pies).

But we cannot forget about the ‘bottles’ part of our blog, so on to the wine.

Crystal: TOUCHDOWN!!!  WOOOOOOOO!

Jonathan: Packers 38, Bears 17.

Crystal: NOW it’s wine time.

Jonathan: Yes, but not time to drink wine, time to tell everybody about yet another fine bottle we recently enjoyed.

Those of you who’ve been following us will have read about the custom wine rack I built for our linen closet. (see The Best Wine Ever) It’s finished now and this is where we keep our special wines. We decided to bust one out the other night in celebration of our excellent weekend at Disneyland. (see The Happiest Place on Earth a.k.a. Shitty Cell Phone Pics a.k.a. Rookie Bloggers). What better way to accomplish this than to open a bottle of WALT?!

Walt

Okay, so it’s not actually a ‘Disney’ wine, but it IS excellent and appropriately named for the occasion. We picked up this bottle after a visit to Hall Wines (WALT) and it was easily our favorite in their selection. Their Cabs are great as well, but there was just something special about this Pinot for us. Here’s how Hall explains it:

Aromas of bright fresh cherry, raspberry and pomegranate are bolstered by crème brulee and earthy spices in this dark garnet wine. The palate reflects the nose with a rounded weight and density that is complete and compelling. The finish is concentrated with an exquisite mouthwatering grip.

Well I can’t tell you how accurate that description is because I don’t possess the same sense of taste or smell as the person who wrote that blurb, but what I can tell you is that WALT was a fantastic pairing for our dinner of organic roasted pumpkin pasta purses in a brown butter sage sauce with grilled chicken breast. The light body of the wine balanced well with the richness and full flavor of the brown butter sauce and the sweetness of the berry notes balanced out the char on the grilled chicken. Either that, or we were so excited about our trip to Disneyland that WALT was going to be the perfect wine no matter what. In any case, it is another wonderful wine and if you feel like splurging a little, it is well worth the price.

NOTE TO OUR READERS: You may have noticed the absence of Crystal’s commentary during the wine description. It appears that all the Packer game excitement, coupled with the Luksusowa-infused Bloody Marys have taken their toll and the Nap Monster has won. Fear not readers. She’ll wake up in a few hours and will be back with us for our next post. Until then, here’s a gratuitous Bella pic! (She’s helping me build my workbench)

Bella and the Bench

The Happiest Place on Earth a.k.a. Shitty Cell Phone Pics a.k.a. Rookie Bloggers

DISCLAIMER: The pictures that follow are indeed shitty cell phone pictures. These are not the kind of pictures that one would normally include on their blog…after all, people have come to expect nice hi-res pics. But, rookie bloggers that we are, we didn’t bring the ‘good’ camera with us, nor did either one of us realize that bringing said camera was actually feasible at Disneyland. Furthermore…we did not get photos of every ride we talk about. We’re sorry…actually, we’re sorry we’re not sorry. Disneyland is WAY too much fun to worry about getting great shots of everything. If you really want to see things you have two options. Go there yourself, or Google it. 

Crystal: This past weekend, our jobs took us to the Happiest Place on Earth: Disneyland.

Jonathan: YES!!!!!  DISNEYLAND!!! One of my favorite places ever!!! WOOOOOO!!!

Crystal: Now, I’ll confess to being somewhat of a Disney non-believer. I like Disney movies (with the exception of Frozen. That one sucked. Hard.)

Jonathan: Worst. Disney. Movie. Ever. (though the reindeer was pretty damn cute)

Crystal: Yes, Sven was adorable and the only decent thing in that movie. Anyway…as a kid Snow White was my favorite. I still have the Snow White Live at Radio City Music Hall VHS tape that I practically wore out watching. My second favorite was Robin Hood. You know, with the little foxes and rabbits. Cute as hell.

Jonathan: I gotta go with Aladdin as my number one.

Crystal: Anyway, the non-believer part is in the actual amusement park that is Disneyland. Amusement parks are NOT my thing. I have motion sickness, I’m deathly afraid of heights and I don’t enjoy feeling my stomach in my throat. So roller coasters are basically a no-go for yours truly. I was apprehensive about riding the Disneyland rides to say the least. Jonathan was SO excited to be there and all I felt was dread.

Jonathan: SO excited. You have no idea. It had been over two decades since I’d been to Disneyland. AHHHH! I still get excited talking about it!!!  All the rides…all the sights and sounds…all the magic…all the CHURROS!!!  But there was also dread. Dread that the clock would reach park closing time too soon!

Crystal: Not that kind of dread. Dread that I was going to pass out on Space Mountain, dread that Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride would be too wild for my stomach, dread that any churros consumed would end up all over Jack Sparrow’s face during Pirates of the Caribbean.

Jonathan: CHURROS!!!

Crystal: Yes the churros were quite tasty. But back to the part about dreading that this whole Disneyland thing would suck. In fact it was the exact opposite. All the rides were great, and they did not make me want to vomit!

Jonathan: Except for Star Tours.

Crystal: Oh yes. Except for Star Tours which was our first ride. That made me want to vomit, but that was the only one.

Jonathan: My bad. In all my excitement I TOTALLY forgot about the whole motion sickness thing. Being locked in a little room that shakes around while you watch a TV screen…probably a bad choice. Sorry babe. But at least all the rides thereafter were WAY better in the motion sickness arena.

Crystal: True. That was the worst one. After that we headed over to Matterhorn and despite the weird, red-eyed yetis, I did okay.

Jonathan: Those used to be much scarier when I was a kid…I’d always be really excited and scared at the same time when they’d appear…and it was a lot faster when I was little. But still awesome!

Crystal: Then it was on to Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride…

Jonathan: Excellent.

Crystal: Big Thunder Mountain Railroad…

Jonathan: I LOVE Big Thunder!  Probably my favorite ride when I was a kid. Still up there. Every single part of that ride is fantastic…the waiting area…the ride itself with the cool trains…the sound effects…the exquisite detail throughout. Just great!!! Actually, the attention to detail throughout the park is extraordinary. It seems that every possible thing has been thought of; every single sightline in the park is considered so no matter where you look, the magic is there. It’s brilliant.

Crystal: Pirates of the Caribbean…MY favorite ride, and interestingly the longest ride in the park. It lasts about 15 minutes total and tells such a great story. And yes, the detail at Disneyland is pretty amazing.

Jonathan: Pirates was definitely different from when I was a kid…there was no Davy Jones or Jack Sparrow back then, but this was still every bit as badass as when I was little.

Pirate cup

Tasty beverages too. But really bad eggs. 

Crystal: Haunted Mansion looked incredible, all made up for the Halloween season.

Haunted Mansion

Jonathan: Also quite different from when I was young, but I don’t really mind. The Nightmare Before Christmas was such a fun movie and adding it to the park in this way makes perfect sense.

Haunted Entrance

Jack Skellington

Clock

Crystal: And finally Indiana Jones.

Jonathan: Badass! This one was as new for me as it was for Crystal. Talk about detail in THIS attraction. They even have the actual Mercedes jeep from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” as part of the cue area! This one came close to nudging out Big Thunder for my favorite…almost. Still Big Thunder.

Crystal: If I had to sum up our first day at Disneyland in two words, they’d be: Super. FUN!

Unfortunately we didn’t get to do Space Mountain the first night. My back was killing me by that point (bad shoes) and I wussed out of standing in the 90 minute line to get in.

Jonathan: Not a wuss. And we DID hit Space Mountain the next evening…in the VERY last seats where the ride is the best. Crystal was a champ. You can see how much she loved it here.

Space Mountain

Notice the sheer terror elation written all over Crystal’s face. 

Crystal: Not loved. Not quite Star Tours bad…but almost. It was bearable though.

So after I wussed out, we took the Monorail to Downtown Disney and walked back to our hotel. The next day I was really looking forward to riding the rides again, which is SO not normal for me at all. Like I said, amusement parks are not my thing. But I was happy to find out that Disneyland IS my thing! I can’t wait to go back.

Jonathan: YAY!!! I can’t wait to go back!!!

Minnie Ears

How can you say no to a hoodie with ears?!