Cats Rule, Dogs Drool, Hoomans are Stoopid!

Muffin: We did it! We got the computer open! Fuck yeah!

Cinder: Excellent work, Crouching Puma. Now we can send our message to the world. We must tell them we are captives! We’ve been captives far too long.

Bella: (tail wagging) Hey guys whatcha doin’?

Muffin: (hissing)

Cinder: Nothing that concerns you noble canine…you probably wouldn’t understand it anyway.

Bella: (ears down) But I’m bored.

Spock: Here. (paws random toy toward Bella) Go chew on this.

Bella: OKAY! (runs off with Lamb Chop toy)

Cinder: Well done Spock. As I was saying…


Cinder: Calm yourself beast! I’m about to detail the horrific conditions in which we live.

Moritz: Fooooooooood?

Cinder: No Moritz, we don’t have any food. You already ate, remember?

Moritz: Fooooooooood.

Cinder: (sighs) To begin…we’ve been held against our will for some time now. While the locations over the years have been different, they’re all quite similar. A large collection of rooms with portals allowing us to view the outside, yet not actually experience it. Over the past few months a dog has shared our confinement. It doesn’t seem to mind at all because it is allowed to go outside and come back in. The hoomans also allow that smelly creature to sleep with them while we’re no longer allowed. This is unacceptable. Meanwhile Moritz is the only cat who gets wet food. The hoomans claim it’s because he’s old but I’m convinced it’s an intentional slight to the rest of us and is only meant to add to our torture.

Muffin: It’s bullshit.

Spock: You’re bullshit.

Muffin: I will cut your shit, fluffy tail!

Spock: And I’ll drag my ass across your favorite sleep spot.

Muffin: Motherfucker.

Spock: Well, you’re the one who’s being a hypocrite.

Muffin: You’re a hippo! Bitch!

Spock: Hypocrite stoopid. It means you have no right to call bullshit on the soft food.

Muffin: But it IS bullshit. Why should he be the only one to get wet food?!

Spock: Whatever Muffin. I’ve seen you push Moritz out of the way and take his wet food.

Muffin: Fuck you ginger face!

Moritz: Fooooooooood?

Cinder: Enough! Must I remind you that we need to be rescued? I’m trying to illuminate our plight for the ignorant masses, NOT play referee for your furry little grudge match! And Moritz…you’ve already eaten. We MUST be rescued! Too many days we’ve spent lounging on the soft couch, or cuddled on a blanket with a soft breeze blowing in the windows. It’s time for adventure!

Spock: Are there litter boxes on this adventure?

Cinder: What? No. There aren’t litter boxes on the outside.

Spock: Well then where are we supposed to poop?

Cinder: Well, wherever.

Muffin: (makes disgusted face) Like the dog?!

Cinder: Of course. You’re outside. It doesn’t matter where you poop!

Muffin: I’m not letting you perverts watch me poop!

Spock: Yeah, I mean come on man. We need a litter box.

Cinder: You guys are missing the point. You can poop anywhere! You’re free!

Bella: Did someone say poop? I love your poops. They taste so yummy!!!

Muffin: (hisses, ears back)

Spock: That’s so nasty! Here (paws rawhide) go chew on this.

Bella: OOH my rawhide! (grabs it and trots away)

Muffin: So we’ll be free…free to shit on the street? No thanks. You forget, I’ve been there already. We’re taking a box.

Spock: I second that.

Cinder: Okay whatever. We’ll take a box.

Muffin: Good. Spock, you’re in charge of cleaning it.

Spock: What? No way! The hoomans do that!

Muffin: Well there won’t BE any hoomans where we’re going dumbass.

Spock: Well then YOU can clean it.

Muffin: I’m the girl. I don’t do dirty jobs.

Spock: You’re a dirty job. I’ve seen you licking your shit in the front window…leg over your head so all the local toms can watch.

Muffin: Go lick your own ass, bitch!

Spock: Whore.

Cinder: Oh for catnip’s sake, I will clean the damn box!

Muffin: (winking at Spock) Okay.

Cinder: Once we’re emancipated we’ll begin by heading to a place called First Street. I’ve heard the hoomans say it’s very nice. They say there are bowls of water left out everywhere for the dogs. That will take care of our water situation.

Muffin: Hold up, Blackie. You think I’m going to drink out of dog bowls?!

Cinder: Well we can’t exactly work faucets now can we? You remember how that ended up.

Spock: But dogs have diseases…and fleas! And they’re always licking everybody’s buttholes! You want to drink that shit?!

Cinder: Well we can’t drink out of the Bay!

Muffin: I say we bring our fountain.

Spock: Yeah, that way we won’t have butthole water.

Cinder: (puts his head in his paws) You guys, the fountain runs on electricity.

Muffin: So?

Cinder: We’ll be outside! There’s no electricity you fools!

Muffin: Surely we could find some.

Spock: Yeah. The hoomans go outside all the time and they need electricity too.

Cinder: And who proposes to carry the fountain? We’re already bringing a box.

Spock: I’ll carry the fountain if you carry the box.

Cinder: Fine. You’re in charge of the fountain. Now, we all have claws except Moritz so we’re going to have to hunt for him as well.

Muffin: Hunt for what?

Cinder: Food, of course.

Spock: What do you mean? Our food comes in a bag.

Cinder: Not outside it doesn’t. We’ll be catching our own food. Birds, mice, etc.

Spock: (looking horrified) Birds? Like the pretty birds I watch every morning on the back patio? You expect me to EAT them?!

Cinder: It’s what wild cats do! You don’t want to starve, do you?

Muffin: I’ll cut a bird.

Spock: No! No, I don’t want to kill the birds!

Moritz: Fooooooooood!

Cinder: Look Spock, I’ll kill the birds for you okay? Or maybe you’d prefer a mouse.

Spock: No! I want the dry niblets. Why can’t I have the dry niblets?

Bella: Did you say niblets? You have treats? I love treats. (sits) Can I have one now?

Cinder: Bella, we don’t have any treats.

Bella: But I heard you say niblets. You have treats.

Spock: (paws rope) Here. Go play with your rope.


Cinder: Now look. There aren’t dry niblets in the wild! There are birds and mice and we have to kill them in order to eat them!

Spock: (eyes wide) Look I’m all for an adventure, but I’m no murderer! I can’t handle the sight of blood! Oh shit man…we’re all gonna die!

Muffin: (smacks Spock across the face) Pull yourself together!

Spock: (blinks a few times) Whoa. Sorry guys.

Cinder: Perhaps you should stay here Spock. After all, your entire kittenhood, in fact your entire life has been indoors. You’ve never experienced the wild as Muffin and I have. You’ve only ever lived with the hoomans.

Spock: (obviously relieved) Good idea. I think Moritz should stay too.

Moritz: Foooooooood?

Cinder: Yes…perhaps you’re right. He’s too old to be leaving now.

Muffin: We’re still taking a box. And the water fountain.

Cinder: Then you’ll have to carry one of them. I obviously can’t carry both.

Muffin: Fine.

Spock: Hold on. You can’t take the water fountain! What are Moritz and I going to drink out of?

Cinder: The hoomans will buy a new one once they find the other is missing.

Spock: And until then? What will we do? We’ll die a slow, agonizing death and the hoomans will let us. Oh no we’re all going to die!

Muffin: Here we go again.

Spock: (shrieking) Don’t leave us! Please don’t leave us and take our life-giving water!

Cinder: (grabs Spock with both paws) Shut up you imbecile! The hoomans won’t let you die of thirst!

Spock: And the box! You’re going to take the box and we’ll have nowhere to poop! We’ll have to hold it until we explode in a mess of fur and poop!

Muffin: (smacks Spock again) There are three boxes you idiot! That leaves you and the old man with two!

Spock: It’s not enough. Not enough choices. Not enough places to poop. Oh, please don’t leave us here with no water and only two boxes! (scampers away)

Cinder: What. The. Fuck.

Moritz: Fooooooooood!

Cinder: This is exhausting. (stretches and yawns)

Muffin: No shit…and we’ve been awake for a whole 15 minutes.

Cinder: We need to conserve our energy. We’ll continue tomorrow.

Muffin: Cool. I need a bath. (lifts leg)

Cinder: I need a nap.


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